We are neck deep in the holidays and big feelings abound. ‘Tis the season for dodging unwelcome body commentary, declarations on food morality (note: food isn’t good or bad, it just exists), and endless talk of future diets. It can be exhausting and overwhelming. 

For many, this is *not* the most wonderful time of the year. If you are entering a space that feels fraught with diet and body talk, you’re not alone. My sister Sarah (a science writer you can learn about here) and I decided to talk about setting boundaries, practicing your comebacks, and mentally preparing yourself for the holiday experience that resonates best for you. 

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Our conversation (edited for clarity) is below. 

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Sarah: I’ve found that during the holidays, people feel the need to tell you about their diet, document how much they've been eating, or tell you how much they've been working out. What is it about holidays that triggers this slew of diet talk?

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Emily: Honestly I think it’s two things: one, we are just constantly swimming in this [diet culture] bullshit, even if we aren't really aware of it. And two, holidays are really weird. You see someone once a year and are forced to navigate an awkward social interaction. People don’t know how to have conversations about things, and because diet culture is everywhere, the topic is almost like a social lubricant. People don’t really know how else to engage in a conversation with someone or maybe they don’t know much about them. But they can tell you how great keto is for an hour, whether you want to hear about it or not.

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Many families tend to pull out their anti-fat playbook along with the holiday decorations. What are some of the most common situations that come up for people you work with?

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Oh yeah, there is so much anxiety about going home. And it’s because they know what they’re walking into—it’s not a surprise that Dad is fat-phobic because he’s likely been that way most of their life. So in some ways, that’s helpful, but often it just adds to the anxiety.

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Boundaries are such a big part of this. It can start with the question of do you want to go or not? But that also means, how long do you want to go? Who do you want to talk to? What kinds of foods do you want to eat? There's a lot of ways to have boundaries that don't have to be big, declarations that everybody knows about. It could just be a boundary with yourself that you're going to go, but I’m only going to stay one night, because two nights feels hard for me. I talk about that a lot with people, of, how are you going to stay true to what you need? And sometimes that means avoiding somebody altogether at the gathering.

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Let’s talk about handling the inevitable diet and body conversations. How do you prepare someone for the onslaught? 

We do a lot of talking about how you might respond to comments. I like to practice three different layers of response. The most intense is the ‘take-my-earings off and we’re going to fight.” Next comes saying something a little bit snarky and maybe making them uncomfortable (or at least quiet). But you can also just remove yourself or not respond to the bait. Even if they don’t think they want all three, practicing helps, because they don’t know how they’re going to feel in the moment. So we practice a bunch until it feels natural and they know what you want to say. 

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The key is to practice out loud, because that’s going to help you find your voice in the moment too. Like, these aren’t foreign words coming out of my mouth. The more practice, the better—it just helps it stay in your brain better in that moment you’re flooded with emotions. 

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Let’s do a rapid fire. Pick a response tactic: throw-down, snarky, or deflecting. 

Your cousin announces, “Let’s earn our bird and do a turkey trot/kickboxing class/long walk.” How do you respond?

Oh, snarky, absolutely. There’s a thousand things I would want to say but I’d probably say, “I don’t have to earn my food.”

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After taking off your coat, your grandma exclaims, “You gained weight!”

Since it’s Grandma, I would probably just deflect, say yeah, give her a hug, and hope she gets distracted.

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You walk into the room in your holiday dress and your mom scoffs and says, “That’s some outfit…”

Snark. I’d lean into it and say, “I know, isn’t it fabulous?!” and sort of play dumb to see if they say the quiet part out loud. If they do, that’s on them.

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Love that. It takes the wind out of her sails. 

You are sitting around the table and your in-laws start talking about the latest diets and how intermittent fasting changed their life. 

This could be any response, but I’d probably choose snarky. I’d say “ I don’t enjoy starving in the middle of the day.” But occasionally I will just leave—leaving is so fucking powerful. 

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You're all standing around the table of hors d'oeuvres, having a nice conversation, and then someone announces, “I can't let myself near that cheese/there's no way I can have one of those cookies.”

That has happened to me and I said, “Great! More for me.”

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I think practicing these sorts of responses will be so helpful! But I’m sure some of your clients want to work on longer-term boundaries around the holidays. How do you start defining what sort of boundaries you want to tackle?

Ideally, we would have enough runway to be working on this for a long time, but that's not usually the case. If somebody feels really ready for it, we do pick the biggest pain point. For example, a client might say that a three-day visit is too long for them. We work on how to communicate that you are only staying two days this year. For some people, that feels like too much. So we pick something smaller that you can practice what it might be like to test the water of having a boundary, and still feel like a win in some way. If staying an extra day is too much, how can you take some breaks or skip an activity? In another scenarir, the boundary might be that you might bring a pie that has sugar in it to Thanksgiving, even though a certain person doesn't eat sugar (and is very vocal about it). 

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We try to find something like that that feels a little more accessible, but boundaries are always going to feel scary. That doesn't mean it's wrong—that’s the big thing I want people to know—it just means it's uncomfortable and you're not used to it. It will get a little easier with time, but it'll probably feel kind of kind of bad, honestly, until later. Afterward you’ll be so glad I did that for yourself, even though it was really hard.

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Photo by Food Photographer | Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash